A BBC Headline read: "Prostitute users face clampdown."

Well, whatever turns you on I suppose.

I did something for the BBC's Children in Need on Friday night.

I turned the bloody TV off and read a book.

Simon Cowell reportedly paid £3 million as a 'separation gift ' to his girlfriend of 6 years Terri Seymour. He said that although they were no longer together they were still on friendly terms.

Simon, if you give me £3 million I will not only be on friendly terms with you, I will suck your knob and swallow as well.

Sarah Palin has expressed her admiration for Senator John McCain’s war record, in a week where it was revealed that she didn’t know that Africa was a continent. She said that McCain was a great war hero, who suffered terribly while being held prisoner of war by the Venetians.

Sarah Palin has been criticised for being too young to run for president in 2012. I disagree. Although she’s only 44, in dog years……….

The most powerful man in the world is now black, which worries me. The only precedent we have for this is Darth Vader, who caused all sorts of trouble.

I've just come back from a short holiday and flew BMI. Having had a good break I board the aircraft only to look down on my seat and see that there's a complimentary copy of that day's Daily Mail lying there.

What are BMI trying to do to us? They're saying "hope you had a good holiday, but here's something to remind you of all the shit you're returning to!"

President elect Obama has signalled his intention to pull US troops out of Iraq but to strengthen the force in Afghanistan. It’s obvious what he’s really doing, he decided to start again at the letter ‘A’.

Barack Obama kept his running mate, Joe Biden, very much in the background of his campaign due to his unfortunate habit of saying the wrong thing.

In Missouri he called for Senator Chuck Graham to stand up and be applauded, an unfortunate request as Senator Graham is a wheelchair bound paraplegic.

However, what if Senator Graham had stood up? Joe wouldn't have been such a liability then, would he Barack?

Labour has won the Glenrothes by-election with an unexpected majority. The rival SNP claim the result was influenced by the entire Scottish soccer squad not being able to get a cross in the right box.

Banks said that they would pass on the cut in interest rates to their customers. Actually what they said is “We will pass, on passing on the cut in interest rates to our customers.”

The Bank of England has lowered interest rates to 3%, which is still higher than the average Brit’s interest in the US Election.

President Bush has said that he’s very comfortable with a black man in the white house, especially as he’s never ever had any trouble from his gardeners or cleaners.

The Daily Telegraph decided to go to a backwater town in deepest Utah to solicit views on the forthcoming US Election.

Predictably, comments ranged from "I really don't believe this country is ready for a black man as president" to "I guess they'll be stocking up on black paint for the White House."

"I wouldn't trust this country's defences with him," said Floyd Cornia, known to all in Randolph as 'Runt' since he was born the younger of twins 77 years ago.

Which is probably the best bit.

You can imagine the locals greeting each other in the local bar. "Alright Runt"? "Yes thanks Bastard", "Your round Crip".