Comedy Writer

2009-01-02T16:47:00.005Z

The government has warned that there is currently an UK obesity epidemic.

If this is like a 'flu epidemic it made me wonder where I caught my obesity from. In the end I decided it was probably from that fat girl at the bus stop who I walk past every day on my way to McDonalds.

2009-01-02T15:26:00.003Z

Comedian Alexis Sayle is among celebrities and politicians holding a press conference to denounce Israels bombardment of the Gaza Strip.

Perhaps he should release a protest song, "'Ello John, gotta new mortar?"

2008-11-19T08:17:00.002Z

A BBC Headline read: "Prostitute users face clampdown."

Well, whatever turns you on I suppose.

2008-11-16T13:44:00.001Z

I did something for the BBC's Children in Need on Friday night.

I turned the bloody TV off and read a book.

2008-11-09T12:00:00.002Z

Simon Cowell reportedly paid £3 million as a 'separation gift ' to his girlfriend of 6 years Terri Seymour. He said that although they were no longer together they were still on friendly terms.

Simon, if you give me £3 million I will not only be on friendly terms with you, I will suck your knob and swallow as well.

2008-11-09T11:59:00.001Z

Sarah Palin has expressed her admiration for Senator John McCain’s war record, in a week where it was revealed that she didn’t know that Africa was a continent. She said that McCain was a great war hero, who suffered terribly while being held prisoner of war by the Venetians.

2008-11-09T11:58:00.001Z

Sarah Palin has been criticised for being too young to run for president in 2012. I disagree. Although she’s only 44, in dog years……….

2008-11-09T11:57:00.001Z

The most powerful man in the world is now black, which worries me. The only precedent we have for this is Darth Vader, who caused all sorts of trouble.

2008-11-09T11:41:00.002Z

I've just come back from a short holiday and flew BMI. Having had a good break I board the aircraft only to look down on my seat and see that there's a complimentary copy of that day's Daily Mail lying there.

What are BMI trying to do to us? They're saying "hope you had a good holiday, but here's something to remind you of all the shit you're returning to!"

2008-11-08T08:00:00.000Z

President elect Obama has signalled his intention to pull US troops out of Iraq but to strengthen the force in Afghanistan. It’s obvious what he’s really doing, he decided to start again at the letter ‘A’.

2008-11-08T07:56:00.002Z

Barack Obama kept his running mate, Joe Biden, very much in the background of his campaign due to his unfortunate habit of saying the wrong thing.

In Missouri he called for Senator Chuck Graham to stand up and be applauded, an unfortunate request as Senator Graham is a wheelchair bound paraplegic.

However, what if Senator Graham had stood up? Joe wouldn't have been such a liability then, would he Barack?

2008-11-08T07:46:00.001Z

Labour has won the Glenrothes by-election with an unexpected majority. The rival SNP claim the result was influenced by the entire Scottish soccer squad not being able to get a cross in the right box.

2008-11-08T07:44:00.001Z

Banks said that they would pass on the cut in interest rates to their customers. Actually what they said is “We will pass, on passing on the cut in interest rates to our customers.”

2008-11-08T07:43:00.000Z

The Bank of England has lowered interest rates to 3%, which is still higher than the average Brit’s interest in the US Election.

2008-11-08T07:41:00.000Z

President Bush has said that he’s very comfortable with a black man in the white house, especially as he’s never ever had any trouble from his gardeners or cleaners.

2008-11-02T10:25:00.004Z

The Daily Telegraph decided to go to a backwater town in deepest Utah to solicit views on the forthcoming US Election.

Predictably, comments ranged from "I really don't believe this country is ready for a black man as president" to "I guess they'll be stocking up on black paint for the White House."

"I wouldn't trust this country's defences with him," said Floyd Cornia, known to all in Randolph as 'Runt' since he was born the younger of twins 77 years ago.

Which is probably the best bit.

You can imagine the locals greeting each other in the local bar. "Alright Runt"? "Yes thanks Bastard", "Your round Crip".

2008-10-31T17:29:00.004Z

When Wayne Rooney starts spitting, isn't it time to turn the Bar B Que down?

2008-10-31T11:06:00.009Z

The amazingly over the top story of the week concerning the BBC's Jonathon Ross and Russell Brand's stupid antics has hopefully come to an end. Brand has resigned, and Ross has been suspended for 3 months. A predictable response from the BBC, concerned about all the complaints from Middle England wifeswappers.

Ross, of course, has trouble pronouncing the letter 'r', so probably had severe difficulty saying that he was looking forward to a "really restful and relaxing Christmas, having been rewarded for ragging a ripe old actor with a reprehensible riotous prank."

2008-10-31T10:14:00.003Z

Halloween tonight, and I'm looking forward to receiving all the trick'n'treaters at my door.

I understand that, as long as they're over 10 years of age, it's now perfectly legal to punch them and direct them to the local paedophile.

Or did I dream that? Never mind, I'll take my chances.

2008-10-31T10:06:00.005Z

The Met Office say that the cause of severe flooding in Devon is due to a 'freak hailstorm'.

Now I'm not the most PC sort of bloke, but if I was the hailstorm in question I would be writing to my MP complaining that, just because I was responsible for causing inconvenience to a couple of West Country villages, there's no reason to label me a freak.

Hailstorms have feelings too, you know.

2008-10-31T08:46:00.004Z

I wasn't too worried about XL going bust a few weeks ago, but I'm slightly worried that if XXL collapse I'll have nowhere to buy my clothes.

2008-10-31T08:35:00.005Z

A Church of England priest has been ordered to remove comments about gay people from his blog, remarks described by his diocese as "highly offensive". The Rev Peter Mullen suggested in his internet blog that homosexuals should have their backsides tattooed with the slogan: "Sodomy can seriously damage your health".

David Allison, from the gay pressure group Outrage, said "It's the kind of remark you might expect from a drunk on a Saturday night, not someone in a supposedly responsible position!"

I too am indignant!

As a regular Saturday night drunk I am fed up with being persecuted. Police, hospital staff, bouncers, barman, wives and girlfriends all consistently victimize us. And now we have someone who claims to represent a minority group launching a completely unprovoked attack, comparing us to some mixed up godbotherer.

It is indeed an outrage.